Confession: I logged back onto this for the first time since highschool and I just stalked your tumblr all the way back to when we first met. I’m not sorry. I have a few thoughts.
I don’t know if you know this but, I remember the moment our friend told me you thought I was pretty. From there I don’t know how to even tell you what happened. I looked you up, and started talking to you over Facebook. I don’t know what I was thinking because I was still pretty hurt from my past but I guess I was looking forward. Why not give something a chance right? And you know what? You were perfect. You are perfect. You are cocky, mean, and complicated. but perfect. I’m a handful. But you know that. I don’t know how you put up with me for so long. But I’m thankful for it. I don’t often tell you, or didn’t at least when we still talked. Now when I see you I turn red like you know I do and my heart does this weird drop into my stomach thing. But anyways, I know I didn’t mention it too much but I cherish the time we spent together. I could drive around in a car all day and argue with you like an elderly couple. We were ridiculous. But in an incredibly cute, gross everyone else out kinda way. Things are different now but it feels good to say all of this, so I’m going to. Driving to Ann Arbor and making you eat chicken shawarma with me even before I knew what the Avengers was made me so very happy.(notice I can spell that right now) Getting away from everyone was my favorite. Remember the first night I ever saw you out drinking? You were dressed as one of your brothers and we stayed upstairs and I’m pretty sure I just stared at you the whole time and was nervous because in the pictures from that night when I’m near you I’m all red. Oh well. I like to think of these memories. Like when you gave me your flannels and we ate pancakes and you drew a tattoo on my arm. Gosh we were cute. Or when you texted me to come to your brother’s apartment and we were all in flannel. You chickened out of kissing me that night. Many nights that maybe if you would’ve things would’ve been different. Or when you gave me your coat from that hardware place I thought wasn’t stylish and walked me home. (p.s. I didn’t really care. I’m just difficult.) Also, I’m sorry for the night you wanted to watch the meteor shower and I just had a breakdown out on the grass we were laying on. That was selfish. And sorry for when you had to wait for me to run down the stairs all the time. You always said you didn’t mind waiting on a woman. But I don’t think you cared much those times though, because you would stand against the wall with one leg bent knowing that you looked good. I could type all night about all of my memories with you but I won’t. I just want to say a few more things. I want to thank you for the day we napped. That was nice. I want you to know that when I told you I didn’t like you I lied. Every time. I want you to know that when we would joke about the future, I was falling for you. I want you to know I still have the picture of the flannel wedding dress on my Pinterest page and I still have the voicemail you left me the day you admitted your feelings. I haven’t been able to delete it. Its weird to think I could fall for someone I have never even kissed and I’m pretty sure I told you once in the car late at night but I loved you. There’s no denying that. I’m sorry I ever hurt you and I don’t know how but the night you saw me this summer it broke my heart. I wanted so badly for you to kiss me and everything to be okay. And even now, I would love to have you in my life because I think about you a lot. But not romantically anymore. It’s true that I’m in love with someone else now but you were the one who showed me I could love again. So thank you for that. Maybe the future will be different somehow. But I can genuinely say I am happy you’re happy. It’s good to see your smile. You told me you missed me a while ago. You know I miss you so much it hurts. But you’re smart. You know we need to be apart. I hope one day its different. But if you take anything out of this entire thing it should be that I fell for you, I loved you, and I still love you. Not the way I did, but now as a person and a friend. Please know that. I wish you the best and hope things turn out exactly how they should. You deserve the best.